Fire & EMS Chaplain - Emergency Ministries

Five Things a Firefighter/Medic Wants You to Know

by Aaron Espy,
Firefighter/Paramedic

Moms and Dads, can I talk to you for a minute?

I was too busy during the emergency, and afterward—well, you both had more important matters to attend to. It doesn’t matter whether you live in the Pacific Northwest or Florida, Maine or Kansas City. If your child was taken from you suddenly, there was probably someone like me in attendance who fights fire and delivers medical aid for a living. Chances are, they’ve struggled with the same feelings I struggle with. Here are five things I’d like to tell you. It’s my hope that something I say will make your struggle through grief a little easier to manage.

#1 - Your Child Was Not "Just
Another Patient"

Perhaps you assume that because I’ve seen thousands of patients in my career, I wouldn’t
remember your son or daughter. Not true! Only the loss of a fellow firefighter affects us more
profoundly than a child’s death. When I lose a child in the line of duty, I don’t leave the experience at the station. Your child’s face comes home with me. I see him when I’m fishing, working in my garage, or just drifting off to sleep. I can still recall vividly the hour I spent with a little girl from a car accident
almost fourteen years ago. She has a permanent place in my memory, just like your little one.

(It’s the inability to come to terms with these memories that drives many a firefighter from his or her career. Those of us who are old-timers in emergency medicine have learned to deal with the tragic cruelties of life we must face. Some exercise vigorously. Others, like me, write about our experiences. Sadly, there are some who are unable to cope with the pain and turn to drugs or alcohol.)

#2 - I Did More Than Provide
Medical Care

When I am fighting to save a child, I talk to them. It doesn’t make any difference whether they’re responding or not. I reassure and attempt to comfort them. If they’re awake and very young, I give them a stuffed animal to hold. I do one other thing. I tell them that their mom and dad love them very much. I do this because several years ago, a mother told me "I would’ve given anything to tell my son I loved him just one last time." Since then, I try to tell every child that you, their parents, love them very much.

#3 - I Struggle With Feelings of
Failure and Inadequacy

When a firefighter/paramedic loses a child, he or she may struggle with personal feelings of failure. So often we repeatedly ask ourselves "what if" questions. "What if I’d been at a closer station? What if I’d arrived five minutes sooner? What if I’d tried another course of treatment?" It’s these feelings of inadequacy that often keep a medic from approaching the parents of his patient. If a firefighter seems to be avoiding eye contact, he likely is not only struggling with his emotions, but possibly struggling with the feeling that he has failed. It’s a common occurrence, despite the fact the medic may have performed flawlessly.

#4 - I Grieve With You

Macho as we’d like to portray ourselves, we are by nature a group of men and women sincerely
touched by the sorrow and suffering of others. That’s one of the reasons we are drawn to the fire service in the first place. We have a deep, burning drive to make a difference, to alter tragedy in the making if we possibly can. Maybe it’s because we feel we have an image to uphold. Whatever the reason, we firefighters tend to be good at holding our grief in check until we are alone. We present a tough-as-steel facade and inevitably do our crying in the station’s hose tower or the compressor room
where no one can hear us.

#5 - I’m Available to Answer
Questions

So often there are procedures or treatments you may not understand. They are almost always done for a very good reason, and with your child’s best interest in mind. Almost without exception, the firefighters and medics who fought to save your child would be happy to answer any questions you may have. We also need to be informed when we unknowingly make comments that hurt or offend.

I won’t make the mistake of telling you I know how you feel. I can try to imagine your pain, but I’m sure I could never know how it really feels unless I’d lost one of my children. I can tell you that I, and all my fellow fighters, do care. It is the chance that we will save the next victim of tragedy that keeps us doing what we’re doing in the face of so much sorrow. We wish for you strength and peace on your journey.

-Written by Aaron Espy, Firefighter/Paramedic

Aaron is a Firefighter/Paramedic in Kitsap County (just west of
Seattle, Washington). He has been a professional firefighter since 1980. He is a
freelance writer, poet and has just started writing a bi-monthly column called
"911-Fire and Rescue" for Kitsap County’s primary newspaper.

Aaron's e-mail address is:
AARONESPY@prodigy.net

After reading that, I immediately wrote Aaron and told him how much I liked it...below is the email he sent back to me...

Hi Skip,

Thanks for the kind words. I've spent alot of time educating my fellow
firefighters on this subject, but it's a long road with painfully little
progress. Still, we push forward with what we believe in, don't we?

I admire your decision to answer the call of the chaplaincy. You and your
compadres do more good than the rest of us do, I believe. I'll paste in a
copy of a poem I wrote for chaplains a few years ago. I hope it adequately
conveys my admiration for you and your profession. (It ran in the National
Chaplains newsletter a few years ago...Can't remember the name of the
publication...I've got a copy around here somewhere...)

God bless you as you serve Him, my friend....

Aaron Espy
The firehouse poet :)

Badge of Faith

Just beyond the searing flame,
beyond a broken body,
just above a siren wail
that echoes in the night;
at yet another tragedy
a man of faith serves quietly,
just because the hurting need him,
just because it's right.

He fights a vastly different foe
than those who face the fire,
his heartening word and gentle touch
a tonic for the soul.
While others fight for life
the chaplain heeds a higher calling;
a human bridge to share God's love,
the wounded heart to heal.

Although he may not tame the blaze
or aid a dying child's respire,
no matter when, no matter where,
you'll find a fire chaplain there
to dry the tear,
to ease the hurt
of a tearstained face,
and a broken heart.

(Dedicated to America's Fire Service Chaplains)

Five Things a Firefighter/Medic Wants You to Know
Badge of Faith
Because it Matters
A Lion's Heart
Quiet Hero
Unbroken Bond
To make a difference
Fair Trade
Firefighters
You Had to Be There
Quiet Killer, Silent Valor
I Travel Light
Down the Runway

-Written by Aaron Espy, Firefighter/Paramedic

Aaron is a Firefighter/Paramedic in Kitsap County (just west of
Seattle, Washington). He has been a professional firefighter since 1980. He is a freelance writer, poet and has just started writing a bi-monthly column called "911-Fire and Rescue" for Kitsap County’s primary newspaper.